I’ve been in a funk lately.
If you follow me on Instagram you may have seen my emotionally vulnerable post from the other day. I think it’s super important to open up about your feelings and thoughts because chances are someone who sees it is feeling the exact same, or has gone through the same feelings in the past and can offer kind words or advice. Basically, spending the winter months in cold Connecticut after a semester spent traveling Europe has definitely not helped my seasonal depression. On top of that, I don’t exactly know what I want to do after I graduate. I got into graduate school in Boston but my soul is longing for Spain, so I am trying to figure it all out. Plus - that mercury retrograde… I have no words...
Anyways, I posted this selfie I took outside Ofelia Bakery in Sevilla. I went for a morning run, showered, put on my new Zara top and a cute little black skirt, and walked over for an americano before my class at 1pm. I wish I could go back to that moment and take it all in, all over again. I think the root of my recent sadness is just simply missing life abroad. It’s all I ever think about.
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I want to be honest. I’ve been sad and anxious lately. Not all the time, but definitely more often than I usually am. It’s hard to pinpoint why I’m feeling this way... I have some amazing friends, a job I love, and I’m healthy and safe. I’m pretty bummed because I miss living in Europe so much. Like, it’s literally all I think about. I cry about missing Spain often, when I think too hard about it my heart literally aches. & I’m still looking for a way to go back... it’s not easy as a non-EU citizen. Plus there’s that social pressure of landing a professional job after graduation and working on your career - I still feel really influenced by it no matter how hard I try to resist this norm. Also, I’m graduating college in May and I don’t know what I wanna do as far as my career goes. I actually *just* got accepted into graduate school yesterday, so I’m excited about that. But it’s also making me wonder, am I doing this because I want to or because society tells me to? I’m just not sure what I want out of life right now. That being said, uncertainty is okay. It’s actually pretty healthy to question things, that reinforces that you’re acting carefully in life. Being sad is okay too. Let yourself feel things, talk about your feelings, and let it all ebb and flow. I’ll actually be quite impressed if you read this whole thing, thanks for caring
I received so much love, support, and valuable advice about my situation. I feel way less alone now, and it feels good to be seen and heard. Vulnerability is soooo important to me, in my personal connections, in my relationships, and as a leader. Last summer I was walking back from a fitness class in Newport with a friend of mine. I remember it clear as day, we were going to get coffee before our shifts at lululemon, the morning summer sun beating down on us. I brought up how I value vulnerability, and my friend was shocked that I hadn’t heard of Brené Brown before. That night, I listened to the TED talk The Power of Vulnerability by Brené Brown, and it rocked my world.
“This is what I have found: To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ... then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves.”
At what point in life do we begin to doubt ourselves? When do we begin to question our life journey, or even our own worth? When do we start to underestimate our capabilities and doubt that we are enough? Weariness, hesitation, and uneasiness are not innate. They are all habits we learn over time.
By understanding and embracing vulnerability, we can reconnect with ourselves. We can understand one another and feel for one another, and I believe that is more valuable than pride.
with all the love,